and they all lived happily ever after

Hi friends! How are you all? Anything new? Nothing? Meh, everything's the same over here, too... Oh wait... there is one thing. I totally just remembered. I mean, it's not a big deal or anything. Nothing to freak out about or anything. It's only that, you know...

I'M DONE HIGH SCHOOL 43V3R, SUCKERZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!! (Mature non-high school student right here!)

So yeah. That's all. And how are you? *Now, imagine us talking in a relaxed pace. We'd exchange stories back and forth, sharing little anecdotes and giggles along the way. People would look at us with a knowing smile and nod in approval, silently thinking, "Ohhh, friendship."* (But since this Blog Post is currently a one-way street (hah, suckers) you just get me rambling about. This is a warning.)

So, yes. I officially graduated on Friday. We had a solid ceremony. We got to wear big, black gowns (BUT NO FLAT HATS, WHAT IS THIS?!) (another reason why my high school experience felt nothing like the movies, wah!). It was hot. Very hot. I think I was sweating. Yup. Despite my shiny face and soaking wet hair (kidding. kind of.), it was an awesome way to end the year/ years/ HIGH SCHOOL. I actually ended up winning a handful awards, which was funny: Geography Award, Visual Art Award, Spirit Award and Head of School Award. I got some books and a cool plaque out of it, so I guess I feel nice and legit and what not.

I think I'm most excited about getting the Spirit Award because I allegedly "spread positive energy in the school" or some equally awkward description like that. I entered high school as a totally shy human being. Like, I have no recollections of interacting with anyone outside of my grade. Ever. (Oh, except for there was a grade 12 who tried to ask me to prom. It's actually a really long/ hilarious story that I've generally mentally blocked and won't go into. It involved slide shows with his face photoshopped onto my Facebook pictures. And lots of flowers...) I don't think I talked to boys, either. Or girls, really. Bahahha. Now? I've had a totally rad senior year. I mean, you know, for someone who's socially awkward at heart, I think I've done well. I've chatted with a lot of people and I feel happy that I've at least I've had conversations with people I'll probably never see or talk to again. Plus, I've totally lost my dignity legitimately rapping in front of the school for an Arts' night promo (LHIZZLE WASSUP), so I'm obviously a social queen or whatever. I think this growth is symbolic of just that: growth. I like it.

My friend put it best when she said, "I'm scared I'm going miss all this." Pumped with the adrenaline of graduation, I confusedly responded, "This?" Then, I realized she meant this. This - the people I've surprisingly grown close to and, hey, might even miss! I'm scared that relationships I've forged over 4+ years will soon deteriorate to, "Happy birthday! Miss you!" on Facebook. From eruptions of laughter at lunchtimes to annual virtual happy birthdays? It seems plausible and that, too, scares me.

But, I've realized that I can't live life in fear. And I don't want to live in the past. Gosh, despite the hundreds of exclamation marks I've attached to sentences in these past weeks regarding FINISHING HIGH SCHOOL!!11!!1!!, there are parts of it that I certainly will miss. However, I've made the conscious decision to not perceive it as such. It isn't about the end of an experience. It's about the start of a new experience. (Aw, cheeseballs!)

As for a new experience, this begs the golden question: What will I be doing next year? This is the question that has been on everyone's mind, blasted on covers of tabloids, and even featured on ET! yesterday. Jokes. I think I've had about three people virtually ask me about this, which is a refreshing change of pace from the continuous, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?" that I've been with inundated with in real life over the past few weeks. To which I've responded awkward variations of, "I've decided to defer from Parsons the New School of Design to take a year off to work for a few months and then travel/ work/ volunteer abroad for a few months." Oh, hey! That came out fast!

Yep. NOW YOU'RE IN ON IT.

More of my life story? Throughout the entirety of high school, New York City + Fashion was (and still is) the ultimate dream. I would sit in the corners of classes, staring out the window, awkwardly feeling alone, thinking to myself, "I can do it. I'll show them." (I actually found my Careers "portfolio" from grade 10. It's shocking and amazing how things don't change over the years. Same dream...) The years whipped by faster and faster. Soon, it was Senior Year. My Senior Year!

This year has been a whirlwind. In retrospect, I have no idea how I did so much. (With the exception of third term. I bummed around while Science students were up to their noses with culminating labs and stuff. I only felt a little bad.) I was basically working on four very different portfolios with little overlap (SERIOUSLY), along with practicing on an intense field hockey schedule, creating costumes for the school play, working on student council initiatives, maintaining a 92% average and a bunch of other random things that my keen self actually enjoys doing. PHEWWW. (Seriously. Now you guys know how keen/ nerdy I am. I really had an awesome senior year. Albeit exhausting, I love the feeling of busy-ness and accomplishments.)

I think that most seniors would agree that there's this null between final marks (or, in my case, portfolios being sent in), when you 1) have zero motivation to do any work and 2) are waiting in desperate anticipation for that letter (or email - hollla, modern day technology!) to arrive deciding your fate. It was awful/ I was in denial. I finally got them and, yay, got into all my programs! Awesome feeling.

^ we jump in our school's pond when we graduate. it's thrilling. swimming in the pond was legitimately the only thing about gym that i enjoyed. (before i quit it. in grade 10. the earliest year you can quit gym. hated it!)

For the longest time (i.e. all of high school), I had a vision. Graduation. Then BAM! New York City! Fashion Design! Time to make dreams come true! In fact, getting the acceptance was a dream come true in itself. However, to my surprise, there was this new, unanticipated complication. After coming home from Nepal, I had an inkling: I should take the year off. In fact, I remember thinking to myself, while trekking up the gorgeous Himalayas, "Lexy. If you get into Parsons, take the year off. Do it. It's the right thing. I know you'll really want to pursue your life long dream and you'll be uber excited and what not, but this feels right. It feels right."

And then it happened! I got into Parsons! Literally the most exciting feelings ever! I'm probably one of the most easily-excited people EVER (literally, my sister gets so embarrassed; it's hysterical), so you can just imagined all that AMPLIFIED. It was amazing. I couldn't wait. A DREAM COME TRUE. Seriously.

But there was that gut feeling. That feeling turned into a lot of humming and hawing. Should I take the year off? A lot of different opinions were given to me, a lot of pros and cons charts were written by me. In the end, I went with my gut: taking the year off. Deferment form set. Dream isn't over - just diverted for a year.

So I sit here (well, actually, I'm lying on my bed, but that's besides the point) - a newly graduated high school student with a whole year, future ahead of me. It's a little daunting. Besides the knowledge that I'll spend the next year making money and then using it to travel (my other passion, along with fashion, of course), I have NO IDEA what's in store. I keep on telling people that I want to go to a french speaking country in Africa for a few months, but nothing's even remotely close to being set in stone.

Oh, Lexy. What will happen in the next year? What will you do? Who will you become?

A lot of my friends are pursuing their interests in relatively local universities, which I think is fantastic. But it's not for me. I've considered studying, say, psychology at a university an hour or two away. But that path? It's just not me. All along, I knew I would have to pursue my NYC + Fashion dream because that's what it is: a DREAM. And dreams are so beautiful because they keep you going. And even more so, they can become REALITY.

But then, a new dream came into play. A gut feeling. Something I couldn't ignore. So I'm going for it. I'm taking the year off. In a keen school, this is essentially unheard of. But still. It feels right, it feels like it's what I need to do. This isn't to say that I'm not going to pursue Fashion in NYC. It's to say that I'm putting it on hold to go with my gut. Because, for me, that's what's important. Being authentic. Being a dreamer. Maybe a little crazy, a little unconventional, a little unheard of... It's okay. For me, I crave FULL EXPERIENCES. I want to live honest to my heart. I want to live 100%. I'm so against mediocrity, it's both a strength and a crutch.

I guess the moral of the story is if you see me on the streets of NYC as a starving artist in debt from traveling, please remember I used to be really lively, young dreamer and maybe give me a dollar or a Happy Meal or something. Kidding (kind of).

I guess the moral of the story is BE AUTHENTIC. Follow your heart. Do what your gut tells you, even if society tells you it's "unstable" or it's "unconventional." Hell, that's even better - prove 'em wrong! Life is so short. I know that there's probably "smarter" or "steadier" options ahead. But hey. I don't want to be smart or steady or normal or safe or mediocre. I don't want to live thinking, "If only I did this..."

Seriously. Please, please, pleaseeee. I beg you. Live your life true to who YOU are and what YOU want. I've seen people push away their dreams because it feels "impossible," or they conform to mediocrity because it's "safe" or it's what their parents want or whatever. For me, I don't see it any other way. If there's something you love and something you want, why not go for it? It seems so simple: do what your heart wants. Be HAPPY.

Yes, I know that I'm freaking young and naive. Yes, I see those stares of, "Oh? You're not going to school?" or "Oh? You want to go into... fashion?" (this is coupled with a fake smile and eyes that read, "You're a failure!"). YES. I know that the future is unclear and life is complicated and I'm overly optimistic and blah blah blahhh.

But fuck it. I'm young. I'm going to dream. And actually FOLLOW those dreams. And be poor and broke and happy.

Anyways. So yeah... does that answer your question? ;)

(I know I say this for every long ramble I do, but it doesn't make it any less true... if you read all that, YOU'RE A SUPER STAR. I really don't know what power my words have, but hey, I'm being 100% genuine in what I'm saying. #dreamer4ever)

Thoughts? Dreamers out there?